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My Dull Life

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

 I thought I'd shave and see what my face looks like. I kind of forgot.

 I remember doing this last year. I was disappointed. But I decided to do it
 again anyway.

 I bought a blue gel to put on. It's called No Nick. That's good. You see, with
 a beard you can't use an electric razor because the hairs are too long and
 they'll pinch. But straight razors can hurt too.

 I put on No Nick and it seemed to work. The razor went real smooth. There
 was no pain.

 But I noticed there was a lot of blood.

 Thirty minutes later there was pain.

 I figured out that No Nick is just a gell that has a local anestetic, or

 Darn, it hurt. So I smeared No Nick back all over my face. It's on there right
 now. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

 Buyer beware. My face is all cut up.

 Sunday, July 27, 2003

 I got in the shower and I was thinking about stuff. You know, about life and

 I got out and wrapped a towel around my middle and sat down and kept

 I was wet but I just sat and kept thinking and before I realized it, I was
 completely dry.

 My legs were crossed and then a big fat fly landed on my big toe. That's
 when I stopped thinking.

 Saturday, July 26, 2003

 I went over to Bill's house. I had to drive up a dirt road on a hill to get there.
 But I was in the mood to just see somebody so I didn't mind.

 His mother answered the door. She opened the screen door just half way.
 I said, "Hi. Is Bill home?"

 Bill's mother looks like a coal miner. She said, "No. He went to a party."

 Then she said, "He's with his friends."

 As I walked back to my car I looked at one of my thumbs. There was dirt
 under the nail. There's always dirt there. I don't get it.

 Saturday, May 31, 2003

 It seems like lately that I haven't been talking to the people I know. I've been
 mostly talking to people I hardly know. I wonder why that is? Shouldn't I be
 talking more to the people I know? Where did they go?

 This afternoon I talked to somebody I know, but I know her not by choice.
 She's my neighbor who's always taking care of her lawn.

 I told her I finally figured out how to lower the level of my lawn mower. For
 years I've been mowing at the highest level and after three days it looks
 like it needs to be mowed again. Today I finally figured out how to lower it
 and I was so pleased that I mowed my front lawn even though I didn't feel
 like it.

 I guess I told her that because I was hoping she'd tell me something, like
 how nice my lawn looked now that I finally got around to mowing it. But she
 didn't even congratulate me for figuring out my lawn mower. She asked me
 if I knew that what I had wasn't grass. Did you know it's just all weeds?

 I shrugged my shoulders and said I thought at least some of it was grass
 because I put grass seed on some big patches of bare spots a few years
 ago. No, she said. It's all weeds. She recommended I put in a real lawn
 and then get myself a good lawn mower.

 She said this like she had been holding it in for a while. Like maybe years.

 Gosh, and all that work I did today. I even edged and swept up all the
 clippings off the sidewalk. Isn't there such a thing as wild grass? It was a
 beautiful day, or so I thought.

 Thursday, May 29, 2003

 Fontaine found a website and he told me to check it out. It's

 Fontaine said they're just latex, but at least they don't talk.

 I think he's having problems at home.

 Tuesday, May 27, 2003

 On Sunday I looked out my front window and saw a three Jehova
 Witnesses going door to door. Even though there was a barking dog, I saw
 them open a gate and walk to the door and ring the doorbell. They were
 right. The dog was just bluffing.

 They were wearing nice clothes even though it was really hot out. And they
 were smiling.

 I was wondering what I was going to say to them when they knocked on my

 One time there was this guy who came into my house. I don't remember
 how that happened. He talked about how Jesus was going to come and
 take 40,000 people with him and then the earth would burn up. Maybe it
 was 44,000. This guy said he didn't know if Jesus was going to pick him or
 not. He was going door to door just in case. He came to see me three
 times and then he stopped coming.

 I decided when these three Jehova Witnesses came to my door that I
 would take the Watch Tower and read it but that was it. I wasn't going to
 say they could come in. I'd be friendly but I wouldn't lead them on. It's too
 bad a lot of people just slam the door in their face. That's not right.

 My crabbly neighbor was out raking leaves. They said something to her
 and she said something back and they smiled and left. I wonder what she

 Anyway, my house was next but they just kept walking.

 Thursday, May 22, 2003

 Fontaine usually goes and buys our lunch. I give him $3.50. So, why does
 he go and not me? Well, I found out.

 He called me from the deli and said he forgot his wallet. I go over there
 and I see him talking to the guy taking the orders. He's a tall Asian guy,
 about 25 years old.

 Fontaine is talking sports with him. Who played, how they did, what could
 have been, what will come next. Every time the Asian guy says something,
 Fontaine agrees and then he adds something. Then the Asian guy agrees.
 But what got me was the way the Asian guy was smiling. It wasn't right.
 And then, after a lot of time, Fontaine gets the order and we head to the
 parking lot but the Asian guy leaves the counter and follows us out, still
 talking to Fontaine. And Fontaine keeps talking to him.

 Back at the lunch room I tell Fontaine that this guy's in love with him.
 Fontaine says, nah, he just likes sports. I tell him no, this isn't about
 sports. Fontaine doesn't say anything.

 Fontaine then says it's just sports to him, that he doesn't know about the
 Asian guy, and that he's just a nice guy and always gives him extra food.

 That was it. Fontaine pays for one order and gets two. I pay for the one,
 Fontaine gets his free. All he has to do is flirt with the Asian guy and
 pretend it's all about sports.

 I tell Fontaine maybe I'd flirt with a guy like that every day for $100 but not for
 $3.50. That made Fontaine quiet again. Of course, I exaggerated. I'd
 probably do it for $20, but I don't know anything about sports.

 Monday, May 19, 2003

 I went to Walgreens. They were selling videos. One was a video of a
 couple of old Mayberry RFD episodes. I bought it. Don Knotts has really big

 One episode is where a hillbilly girl named Charlene Darling chases
 around Andy because she's been in the hills a long time with just her four
 brothers. She can't keep her hands off Andy.

 I'd like to meet Charlene.

 Sunday, May 18, 2003

 There was a girl I liked in college. Her name was Mimi but that wasn't her
 real name. She was from Hong Kong and had a Chinese name that was
 too hard to pronouce so people called her Mimi.

 I liked Mimi. I felt comfortable around her. I knew that if she didn't like me
 back, she wouldn't just come out and say it or say something like she had
 to wash her hair. If she didn't like being with me, she would just suffer
 through it and not tell me or anybody except maybe her diary and/or the god
 she worshipped. I don't know much about the Chinese. Just that they're
 super polite.

 I invited her to lunch one time. It was to the Blue Boar. I heard it was a nice
 place but it turned out that it wasn't. There was a sign on the door that said
 you couldn't use the restroom unless you were a customer.

 About the only other thing I remember is that I really wanted to use the
 mustard but every time I squeezed the plastic container, it made a bad
 sound. Mimi pretended not to notice but it sounded just like
 you-know-what. I thought maybe it did just because it was the first squeeze
 but I was wrong. The second squeeze made the same sound. And the
 third, and the fourth. I still had not mustard. It was hard to believe.

 Mimi didn't eat much.

 And then I stopped seeing her because one of her friends told me she had
 a boyfriend.

 When you're a man and getting to be as old as I am, you look back on these
 missed opportunities. And you wonder about them.

 Sunday, April 27, 2003

 Fontaine bought a widescreen TV. It's high definition. He has it hooked to
 the dish network but he doesn't have to pay a monthly fee because he
 bought a special chip or something. Fontaine loves TV, especially football.

 Saturday, April 26, 2003

 I wasn't ever in a fraternity. I went to a junior college and they didn't have
 fraternities. But they had clubs. In my third year I decided to join one.

 I thought it might be good for my social life. I didn't know very many people
 and no girls at all

 So I showed up at a noon meeting for a club and paid the $12 dues and I
 was in. I sat in the back. They were talking and I found out that the club was
 called Boricuas and a lot of times they said things in Spanish and they
 wanted their homeland to sever the chain-like bonds with the imperialistic
 Yankee overlord. I think they were Puerto Ricans.

 On the agenda was the election of a new president. The old president
 dropped out of college because he couldn't come up with the tuition.
 Something else on the agenda was an announcement for a club party.
 Because I was a member, I got to go. That's just what I was hoping for.
 One more thing about this meeting. I learned a new word. It was
 "desafortunadamente" and it started almost every sentence. I think it was
 kind of a joke.

 I went to the party and tonight I'm remembering how it was. But right now I
 have to do something. I'll tell you about the party later.....

 .... OK. I'm back. I was going to tell you about the party.

 It was in a tiny house, like a shack, on a street where all the houses were
 small like that. The yards were small and nobody had any grass. There
 were trees, though, old and twisted. There were no street lights.

 Inside the house there was practically nothing and I wonder if anybody
 lived there. The living room had a table and a chair. The kitchen just had a
 couple of glasses. The bedroom had a bed, I remember, because one of
 the club members was sitting on one side and a quiet, sad looking
 transvestite was sitting on the other side. The transvestite's name was
 Sammy. He used to be my neighbor a long time ago when we were both
 just boys. The door was closed but I thought it was the bathroom and that's
 how come I opened it.

 The living room had wood floors and the walls were wood too. I brought a
 six pack of beer and it disappeared pretty quick. Ten minutes later they
 took up a collection for somebody to go out and get more beer.

 The front door was left open. We kept looking out it to see if anybody else
 was coming. There was only three of us standing around plus the guy in
 the bedroom with Sammy. And though there was only three of us, if would
 have seemed too cramped if the front door was closed. I remember it was
 cold and I remember nobody said anything to me except when it was time
 for the next beer collection. I was hoping there would be some girls at the
 party. Maybe they were going to come later.

 The guy in the bedroom came out and reported to the rest of the group. He
 said he was getting close. She didn't want to but he was sure it was just a
 matter of time before she changed her mind. It was going to happen, he
 said. He took a slug of somebody's beer, adjusted his pants and went
 back into the bedroom.

 That bedroom door kept opening a little bit when there was a breeze
 passing through the house. I could see him leaning over the bed telling
 her stuff. I mean him, Sammy. And Sammy just sat there, not even looking
 at him. And then he'd kick the door closed real hard. Bang. But there was
 nothing to click to keep it shut when the next little breeze came. So we'd
 hear another loud bang after a while.

 Some transvestites are young men who, I don't know, have smooth skin
 and look young and boyish and aren't too many steps away from being
 pretty. Like Paul McCartney. But Sammy wasn't like that. He had acne and
 a hooked nose. He was wearing a stringy black wig that had white streaks
 in it. His lips were so thin that he just put lipstick around his mouth where
 normal lips should have been. It was gross. He wore a short skirt with a
 pilgrim's buckle and he had on gray cloth stockings. Sammy was short
 and thin and I think he did heroin.

 I never found out where the bathroom was. The guys just went out to the
 front yard to pee. On the tree you could watch it run down the crooked
 grooves in the bark or you could pee in the dust and watch how strange it
 is how dust won't get wet.

 One guy brought a tape deck but it didn't work so they played the radio.
 They never got the antenna just right. It sounded OK when somebody was
 touching it but the second you took your hand away it sounded distorted
 again. I think they wanted me to hold the antenna.

 There weren't any potato chips or dip. Just that beer. And there were no

 I went out to pee. And then instead of going back inside I just found my car
 and went home.

 Friday, April 25, 2003

 I'm going to write about my watch.

 My watch was made to look like a nautical compass and it's a little too big.
 It's supposed to do a lot of things like you can make it into a stopwatch if
 you press a certain sequence of buttons. The buttons are really small so I
 have to use the tip of a pencil. My watch has pencil marks over it.

 It automatically shifts over to Daylight Savings Time and it has a built in
 calender and timer. You can set it as your alarm clock and you can set it to
 play different tones.

 The band is a wide piece of black Duraflex with holes in it so your skin can

 But I don't wear it.

 I was trying to change the date one day and I set off the stopwatch and I
 could never get it back to just read the time.

 And then I lost it. It's some place in the house. I know it is because the
 alarm wakes me up a 4:00 AM every morning. I used to get up and look for
 it but by the time I was getting close it shut off. So now I just stay in bed. It's
 there some where. I guess I'll hear it until the battery dies. How long do
 they last? Email me if you know. Or if you just have a good guess.

 I think I'm bringing this up because there was a friendly guy who came up
 to me on the street today and asked me really nice if I knew what time it
 was. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt and he couldn't tell I didn't have a
 watch. I didn't like disappointing him and he was really nice to talk to. I
 think we exchanged 4 or 5 sentences, mostly about the time but one about
 the weather.

 If I wore a watch, maybe more people would stop and ask me.

 He was really nice to talk to, but I said that already.

 I think he's the only person I talked to today, unless you want to include that
 Korean woman at McDonald's. In the drive-through.

 Thursday, April 24, 2003

 I see there's going to be a Jessica Lynch TV special.

 "Wanting to fight to the death, she kept shooting Iraqi soldiers, even after
 she had several wounds, finally running out of ammunition."

 It goes on to say she wants to be a Kindergarten teacher.

 I think she should teach 7th grade.

 Wednesday, April 23, 2003

 I have an overdue video.

 I could have returned it today but I didn't.

 I guess I'm waiting for them to call me.

 Saturday, April 19, 2003

 I got another complaint from my neighbor.

 She said to either get a curtain or stop changing in front of the window.

 Then she paused to think for a second. And then she snorted.

 Friday, April 18, 2003

 It's Good Friday. We have Good Friday off. Yesterday I had to finish some
 paperwork before the long weekend and the custodian came in to mop the
 floor. I was sitting at a desk. The custodian mopped all around then he
 tried mopping under my desk and under my chair while I was still there. He
 didn't say, "Lift your feet," or anything. He bumped the legs of the chair.
 Then he hit my shoes. And he didn't say anything like "whoops" or "excuse
 me" or anything.

 I don't think he did that on purpose and I didn't look up to see his face but I
 kind of think he was smiling to himself.

 Thursday, April 10, 2003

 A couple days ago nobody was around and Janey came up to me, real
 close again.

 I thought she was going to take another dog hair off my shirt, but no.

 She said she thought she could talk to me, that she didn't know any men
 she could talk to, that she's always been looking for a man that she could
 talk to, that she needed to have a relationship with a man like that and
 though she was really confident about her body, she wasn't sure if a man
 would respect her mind, and she thought that I would, but up until now she
 was afraid to tell me, and there was so much she wanted to share with
 me, and I wouldn't believe how long she's wanted to say that, but she was
 afraid, but now was the time, and she hoped that I didn't think....

 The problem was, I was on my way to the restroom and because I went
 back to drinking coffee, I had to go really bad.

 I was shifting weight from one leg to another and I could tell in Janey's
 eyes that she was trying to figure out if she was boring me or otherwise
 making me uncomfortable.

 She wanted to talk, and she was holding back until now, and I had to pee.

 I excused myself and when I got out of the Men's Room she was gone.

 The next day I saw her and said "hi" and she said "hi" without looking at
 me. And the day after that she had her usual smile back, the smile she
 always had before the day she wanted to talk.

 Wednesday, April 02, 2003

 The boss handed out these little yellow ribbons we're supposed to wear.

 I asked him where it goes. He said he didn't care. Just wear it.

 Monday, March 31, 2003

 I haven't been posting much lately.

 Somebody got a hold of my password and changed it.

 My password was PASSWORD.

 I changed it back but the people at my Internet Service Provider told me I
 should change it to something different and something that wasn't easily
 figured out.

 So I changed it to THIMBLE.

 I don't see how anybody is going to guess that one.